Doing Gods work is never easy

December 13, 2011 § Leave a comment

For

the first time in my life I am tasked with saving a country. Its only a minor one, but one which has enough of a DP to make an attack on it very lucrative. So why am I taking the other side? Well those of you who follow this blog closely will know that I was asked to do so by a client, a very powerful client, with whom I want in.

They in turn have a strong and worthy sense of what is right and what is wrong. Having seen their rival (a vulture fund) going into the country to ruin it, my client has decided to do what is correct. And I am their gun for hire. I am James Bond.

I need to battle the vultures for another week when my client will have enough surety to step in and take over the vulture. Crush it in other words.

But who would know how tough it can be to be a buyer……nobody in the city ever buys anything. We want to dissolve structures and raise our own in their place. Its the simple law of the wild. Eat or be eaten. Kill or be killed. Swallow or be swallowed.

And here I am a swallow not a swallower. I never knew I could do this.

But no let me not waver. I am on a righteous path. Let truth be my sword and honour be my shield. For at last, at long long last, I am doing Gods work.

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Monday Ditty

December 12, 2011 § Leave a comment

I would like to leave this City

I work long hours and the pay is shitty

I can see the excel files running around my mind…

But here I go, running around like a crafty cat

My face feels young but my wife’s is very old

So what do you pay?

Just give me my bonus its mine anyway

Half my life away, Wasted

Half my life away….

I would like to leave this planet

My wife says stay but I can’t stand it and

I can see the euro crisis running around my mind

And if I could leave this spirit

I’ll find me a hole and I will live in it and

I can see my fat wife, running around my mind

I used to be such a crafty cat….such a crafty cat

Christmas Countdown: Bonus-12

December 12, 2011 § Leave a comment

I went shopping this weekend.

The roads around the Strand were full of shoppers dressed in winter clothes, draining the stores of their contents. People rushed around like beavers in a logging factory making their usual last minute purchases. (I’ve just ordered a seven thousand megapixel music system for my flat. Its matte black with a chrome finish. The screen is the most advanced in the world.)

Anyway, walking down Reggent St I was shaken from my reveries by an old man, holding a gloved hand out in my direction. He was dressed in a fleabitten winter coat and a dirty old hat and was hopping from leg to leg to keep himself warm.

“Spare us some change sir?” he said.

Well (I believe in charity too) I gave him whatever change I had in my pocket— a five pound note and some coins.

“Go and buy yourself some soup chum,” I said in a friendly manner.

“Thanks a lot sir,” he replied. “Thanks a lot sir. Have a merry Christmas and get fuck yerself.”

I was startled.

“Sorry what? What did you say?”

“I said merry Christmas and good bless ye sir.”

“Oh ok, same to you,” said I.

I start walking off again when he muttered.

“And gentle may ye burn in the bowels of hell.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Are you totally out of your fucking mind?” I screamed. “Is that how you treat people who do you a good turn, you ungrateful bum?”

The man looked at me with mock astonishment.

“I’m sorry sir? Thank ye, thank ye. God rest your soul kind sir,” he muttered bowing his head. “Merry Christmas to ye, yer a gracious man. God bless ye, god bless ye.”

I snatched my money back off him. The nerve. Has anyone else ever had such an extraordinary experience? The moral– never give these bums a penny.

Christmas Countdown: Bonus-15

December 9, 2011 § Leave a comment

Banks exploding, politicians dying, Eton vs the Hun. But down to more important things– my bonus. I am currently supporting the state of X in the state of X. A hedge fund is shorting the country and I have to take the other side. Well things weren’t made any easier today– Sarkdozy and Gerkel have defected against the City. It’s only a matter of time that this house of cards collapses. I am the only person in the markets buying anything. This had better be worth it.

Oh well, I hear that RBS aren’t getting any bonus at all! Ha.

Bonus

December 6, 2011 § 1 Comment

The bonus  is back on.

On Friday I had the most exciting meeting of my life with Nakamura. I admit even I was nervous. Walking into their offices in Mayfair my palms began to sweat. The office is a must-see. Old paintings adorn the walls. Oak and pink marble. Rich, opulent…classy. Superb.

I was met by David Tedoshi, head trader, European fixed income/macro. An impressive man– half Japanese/half English, degrees from Harvard and Yale, black-slicked back hair, killer suit (Albermale). He really was a nice chap, small delicate hands like a woman’s. But ruthless eyes.

Here’s the deal: Nakamura has a huge position on a small European country. Its rival, I can’t tell you their name, is playing the other side. Nakamura want me to prop up this country for the next few weeks. Buy debt, talk them up, get my analysts to put their hand in their pockets, bring out favours….the usual stuff.

However this needs to be done on the low-low. I cannot tell anyone what I’m up to. It’s the future of the European economy at stake. Which is also causing me the troubles. Hard to fight such huge forces. Luckily things ticked up in the last few days- might help. And Nakamura have promised me a wooden chunk of custom.

Now that the government is trying to clamp down on bonuses again this could certainly be my final term at the bank. But if I do this well, would it be wrong of me to believe that I might be elsewhere this time next year? 🙂 Flame on!

Nakamura: the world’s deadliest hedge fund

December 1, 2011 § 1 Comment

I’ve

received a number of calls and messages in the last few days asking me to explain the significance of Nakamura. “I haven’t heard of it,” “Who is this?” “Is it a bird?”

Well I very much doubt anyone should have heard of Nakamura Corps. They aren’t to be found on any website, or company directory. They never do any press. In the highly secretive world of hedge funds Nakamura is the most secretive and mysterious of all.

To tell you the truth I really don’t know too much about them myself. Once in a while a rumour goes around the markets following a massive correction, an unexplained takeover or a gigantic profit opportunity– “it was Nakamura”. Occasionally I’ve heard senior traders talk about the time they crossed swords with Nakamura and lost. Or failed hedge funders whisper how they were ruined by a Nakamura trader.

They are the elite of the elite. The deadliest of the deadly. And I have a meeting with them tomorrow.

 

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