Christmas Countdown: Bonus-12

December 12, 2011 § Leave a comment

I went shopping this weekend.

The roads around the Strand were full of shoppers dressed in winter clothes, draining the stores of their contents. People rushed around like beavers in a logging factory making their usual last minute purchases. (I’ve just ordered a seven thousand megapixel music system for my flat. Its matte black with a chrome finish. The screen is the most advanced in the world.)

Anyway, walking down Reggent St I was shaken from my reveries by an old man, holding a gloved hand out in my direction. He was dressed in a fleabitten winter coat and a dirty old hat and was hopping from leg to leg to keep himself warm.

“Spare us some change sir?” he said.

Well (I believe in charity too) I gave him whatever change I had in my pocket— a five pound note and some coins.

“Go and buy yourself some soup chum,” I said in a friendly manner.

“Thanks a lot sir,” he replied. “Thanks a lot sir. Have a merry Christmas and get fuck yerself.”

I was startled.

“Sorry what? What did you say?”

“I said merry Christmas and good bless ye sir.”

“Oh ok, same to you,” said I.

I start walking off again when he muttered.

“And gentle may ye burn in the bowels of hell.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Are you totally out of your fucking mind?” I screamed. “Is that how you treat people who do you a good turn, you ungrateful bum?”

The man looked at me with mock astonishment.

“I’m sorry sir? Thank ye, thank ye. God rest your soul kind sir,” he muttered bowing his head. “Merry Christmas to ye, yer a gracious man. God bless ye, god bless ye.”

I snatched my money back off him. The nerve. Has anyone else ever had such an extraordinary experience? The moral– never give these bums a penny.


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