JPM CDS Proposition

April 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

News of a JPM trader running up a prop position over 100bn in CDS. Apparently a gang of hedge funders (instigated by Mike) got together and decided to play a massive April Fool’s joke on journalists, told them that this guy is moving markets by himself.

We have no idea what is happening in this world. Expectations were of a powerful European recovery this year….and then suddenly the market turns viciously down again. It is a dagger to the heart. My friend Jose in Madrid tells me it is terminal.

In the bank my fellow traders seem to have given up the chase. Nathan, I know, is negotiating with a hedge fund so he can slip out. His p&l has been positive this year so he could at least disappear with his hands full. The rest of us….well.

I’ve thought about following the family voc and going into officer training. My Uncle Teddy could probably get me a cushy role in the Lancers.

But who am I trying to kid. I know nothing about soldiering. The only fighting I ever did was on the fx markets that time Nomura tried to muscle in on a big carry trade. Good memories.


Civil liberties

April 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

Big Brother

The subject of individual liberty is much in the press and my post from yesterday got many people confused. What were you talking about they said? Are you alright Tim? Have you really got AIDS?!

I am glad that it proved such a talking point because of course that was the intention. Someone called me the Damien Hirst of the banking world and to be honest I wouldn’t totally disagree (though I think I have more talent.) Raw, edgy, vital.

Because my thoughts keenly anticipated the brouhaha over the internet we see today– which I think is very terrible for us all– I might also be called a visionary. And there’s no doubt that the idea is bad. But you see we bankers are used to it. For what the government has proposed the bank enacted several months ago. Snooping on our work mails. Gone are the days when we could call our clients a HUMOUNGOUS TURDHEAD or GIGANTIC TOSSERFACE. One wrong expression and you are gone. It’s awful.

Rahan was trying to explain to me his favourite childhood programme the other day and its so sad but he couldn’t because he couldn’t use THAT word. He kept repeating green frog, pink pig over and over until I thought he would have a nervous breakdown. Greg Smith ruined it for us all. So you can see why, with all that pressure, we do sometimes need to let it all out in an outpouring of emotion.

And so I would like to be the first one to stand up and fight for an individual’s right to civil liberty. Anyone else?

PS: I met Ross Kemp, the actor, on the firing range today. He’s big, muscles, solid grip on the AK. But got defective eyesight. A bit like a rhino. Not very good with targeting. I matched him shot for shot. Ripped a hole as wide as an a** in the paper man.

Confession– this may offend

April 1, 2012 § 1 Comment

I have AIDS.

It is terminal. It began last year. I was in Caesar’s gentleman’s sauna and was sucking a big dude’s black cock. As soon as he splooshed into my mouth I felt something funny. Being a swallower I of course took it all down but worried about it the next day.

Who was the man? I don’t know. He was just another random on the long list of male whores I have been going out with. I was to never see him again. But a few days later I started to feel a bit dizzy. It happened whilst I was at work on a currency trade on which I lost a million. At that point I felt that there was something utterly wrong with me. I mean I lose the bank money all the time, but on this occasion I started to feel a bit weird about it.

This had never happened to me before. I put it down to stress. Anyway after work I went back down to Caesars to be trussed up like a chicken and rodgered anally by a ********* star (who later died). But something was wrong. I continued to feel guilty. I thought about this and the trade and the people I was hurting. Ad nauseum.  Playing it back over and over in my mind. What was wrong with me?????

I went home and watched some pissy porn and beat myself off. And still…..that wretched feeling. Infact it was worse than ever. Later that day my mother called me and I cried on the phone to her. She hung up halfway through telling me to stop being a pathetic cretin. Yet the guilt has continued. Every day since that I have felt guiltier and guiltier. I go to sleep crying, I wake up crying. I lose more and more money and I have actually taken to buying things for other people.

I can only conclude from this that I have AIDS.

APRIL FOOLS!!! Ha ha got you!!!


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