I, Hedge Fund

July 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

I am returned. Many of you will have pondered my long absence. For this I am sorry. But I had to keep things exceptionally quiet. You’ll understand why when I tell you that I have left the bank. I am no longer in the clutches of base capitalism, money hungry greed, mercantile illusion. Yes I’ve left it all to join a hedge fund.

An old friend of mine Mike X who used to work at JPM decided enough was enough. Bonuses were shrinking, scandals flying around, and there was no money left.
“You know,” he said to me one day over the finest Chateaubriand that JPM could pay for, “you just couldn’t get things done at a bank anymore. Put one foot out of line and compliance would be on your arse so hard that they’d taste your breakfast. So let’s do it for ourselves.”
As I took a bite of that incomparable meat, letting it trickle down the back of my throat just like butter, I thought to myself– you’re right.
And so he founded a hedge fund taking with him 3 of his close colleagues from the bank and me.  Mike has raised 300m in seed capital from friends and family as well as a chunk from the bank. Essentially they get a cut of whatever profits he makes. In return they give him seed, offices, equipment and information. It’s basically like outsourcing their prop desk. And this way you don’t have the nosy regulators poking in. Not that the FSA (F***g S***t Attitude) were to be worried about anyway.
My remit is global macro. But what does that even mean? Who knows and who cares!! Let’s go short, let’s go long, let’s buy low, sell high, or vice versa– let’s make some fuckign money! We’re going to be dining on Kobe every night.

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