Dorien Fassbender

July 23, 2012 § 1 Comment

Those of you who have read this blog regularly will know about Dorien Fassbender. He was a rating agency analyst who was found dead in a canal last March.

The crime’s remained unsolved. I picked up bits and bats here and there. Mr Fassbender was a notoriously disliked individual in the industry. He had enraged a number of bankers, not just by his ratings antics, but by being a wormy little man.

Now Fassbender had been discovered partially tarred and feathered. The cause of death was uncertain though he was found to have been pumped full of different class A drugs.

At the time I thought– more in hope than reason– that it had been Goldman. His body had swelled up to such a degree that he looked for all the world to be an ex-Goldmanite. I wondered if this had been a part of some ritual. Anyway it wasn’t. But other troubling details soon emerged.

For instance, Dorien Fassbender had traces of a sexual activity on his body. He had apparently been with a woman that evening. This in itself is unusual for a ratings analyst, but more so in his case, given that Fassbender was such a huge…bender, famous for his insatiable appetite for junior analysts.

His body had been cruelly toyed with. When police examined him they found that he had been made to eat his own research papers. The weight of the paper– ratings agencies publish reams and reams of shit– combined with numerous drugs, had contributed to his swollen body.

Lastly on his finger they found a signet ring which police had trouble removing because his fingers were so fat (such irony for a man who lived to prevent this).

Now, in a twist, it turns out that the ring wasn’t his. The police discovered who it belonged to. However for obvious reasons they’ve kept it a secret. I know though. It’s all the gossip at the club.

It belongs to a chairman of one of the oldest and most venerable institutions in Britain. There’s something afoot.

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§ One Response to Dorien Fassbender

  • sozi-sandra says:

    great post, very informative. I wonder why the other specialists
    of this sector do not understand this. You should continue your writing.

    I am sure, you have a huge readers’ base already!

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