Rat in red wine sauce

Melt the butter in a pan. Add the rat and sautee for three minutes. Once pink remove from the heat and lay onto one side. Next add some chopped garlic and shallots to the pan. Fry for a further two minutes. Add a splash of sweet wine, Sauternes or Barsac– nothing cheap or it will ruin the flavour. Once the wine is bubbling you can turn down the heat and put the rat back in. Chefs like to call this a joux.

Call it what you want but remove the dead rat after two minutes.

To decorate, sprinkle some gold leaf onto the rat then stick a big fork right through it.

Pig soup with wine

Go and buy a really fat pig. Next get a huge vat– an oil drum will also do. Fill the vat with wine, but make sure its a good quality, Dugat-Py, something new is ok, none of your cheap non-vintage.

Place the pig in the vat, throw in some rosemary and perhaps some garlic and some banknotes. Season and leave to simmer for around three minutes or until it is tender. Whilst cooking remember to baste it. Use Laurent Perrier Rose to give it an added pinkiness. Soon it will be ready. Prod the pig if you are unsure. Serve the whole ensemble with a glass or two of Claret.  Enjoy!

Lizard in Gold

Buy half a pound of lizards. Two-thirds if you are hungry. Soak in cheap wine, a Ribeira del Duro ’84—any of the Spanish growers will do, they are all uniformly inadequate. Leave for several hours in the baking sun.

When you think it’s ready fry each lizard in molten gold. Uncork a bottle of Petrus (’99, do you dare?), garnish it with your life savings, and eat at once with a little salad.


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