Thought Pieces

I am starting a collection of thought pieces from intellectuals and opinion-makers of the day. I welcome your comments and contributions. (I would like to add that the following comments do not necessarily reflect my own opinions and interests).

1. Letter by Rev Graeme Knowles (ex-St Pauls)

Dear Father

Forgive me for I have sinned.

I tried to follow in your footsteps and uphold the health and safety act, Article 7.3, Subheading, III, of 23 AD. They shunned me. I asked them to camp somewhere else, but they did not listen. I told them that guide ropes trip folk walking into thine church. No feedback was received.

They did not listen when I told them that any accident outside the church would lead to a civil court case and take more money away from THINE coffers O lord (which sits under mine old leather chair in the rectory).

Sir I am St  John on the Cross. This is my dark night of the soul. I falter Lord. First I was let down by that raisin-eyed Judas, Giles Fraser. And now this?

In light of recent events I have come to the conclusion that my position is untenable. And so after much hand wringing and cloth-wetting I must hand in my notice.

I fully intend to honour our non-disclosure contract, and will not speak about the darkest secrets of the church in any post-church interviews I give to the Daily Mail etc.

Fear not our father who art in heaven, where power tools are banned– I have today been offered a new job working in the JP Morgan compliance department. All shall be well in heaven as it is in the City.

The very rev of St Pauls Cathedral, London

St Graeme of Knowles

2. The European Consolation by Percival St James (All Souls, Fellow)

Beware Greeks bearing gifts. Beware Italians bearing swords. Beware French wearing onions.

A great and witty aphorism came to my mind yesterday– “You can take a horse to water, but you can’t make one drink.” And indeed this has been the recurring case over the past two years. European states led time and again to the trough, head pushed into the bucket, exhorted to ‘drink you fools, drink!’ But an Italian prefers il bunga, bunga, the Spanish the inquisition, while the Greek rests his head in the antiquated pleasures of buggery.

So now we have ze Germans and le Francais, united like a two-headed beast of war, taking on the meddling Brits, the inconveniencing yanks and all. They try their best to tame the beast but to borrow from my good friend Dorothy Parker:

“You can take an Italian to culture, but you can’t make him think.”


3, Overpopulation by Jamie Cracknell

Walk down any country road or city street and you’re more than likely to bump into a plethora of young children staring at you, wide-eyed and open mouthed. The increasingly crammed trains, the jammed roads and the bustling airways tell us this, as do the images of hustling walkways in Tokyo or bulging thoroughfares in New York. Overpopulation is here and its getting worse.

Its a terrible concern. We have built all the battery farms we can and slaughtered more cows than we can breed. Yet the hungry mouths continue to multiply like a spawn of frogs. Its never enough.

A concerned farmer would surely think its time to start lopping off a few bullocks? Maybe the unruly ram needs to be put back into his pen?

4. A time to overthrow US by James Slackmark (Journalist, Daily Mail)

It sounds like an unfair fight. Doberman vs Lapdog. Grey Squirrel v Red Squirrel. Batman vs Bananaman. I could go on but I think that you got the point- yes it IS an unfair fight. It’s a mammoth mismatch, a heavyweight beating up a flyweight, Mike Tyson against Eddie the Eagle, Rambo against Private Baldrick, a snake swallowing an egg.

The question is WHY?

Answer: because we have let it become one. We have melted our culture into theirs, let their influence, their movies, music, TV, politics and greedy economics swish over our heads like a gigantic crashing wave, not a hand off in protest, not a scream in sight.

Not only did most of us not want to go to war but we even protested against it. Yet the country was dragged along by that wet fart Tony Blair who’s spine collapsed at the very vital moment in which he should have stood up and shouted—NO! We have enough terrorists in this country to deal with, thank you very much.

And it continues. The City of London is bent to their insidious presence. It is a place that screams—“I will make money for myself because that is the American way.”

Well it’s about time that we stood up for the English way. About time that we punctured the wet dripping bubbles of leprous gas that lead this country into a foam of fetid oblivion, time that we slapped the dark whore of ambition, she that sucks the splange off any tall benefactor that will wink avidly, time we flashed ourselves furiously in the river of truth.

Shame on you business leaders of little America!


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